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If the Cap Fits...
Series 5, Episode 6
Air Date 10th November 1972
Written by Jimmy Perry & David Croft
Director David Croft
Producer David Croft
Length 30 Minutes
Original Audience Figures Unknown
Previous episode The Desperate Drive of Corporal Jones
Next episode The King was in his Counting House
List of episodes

If the Cap Fits... is the sixth episode of the fifth series of Dad's Army, which was originally transmitted on 10th November 1972.

Synopsis[]

Mainwaring is giving a slide show, but Frazer comments he is wasting everyone's time on a fine summers evening with another irrelevant lecture. Mainwairing agrees to let Frazer take over for a few days to assuage his grumbling...

Plot[]

The episode opens with the Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard unit in the church hall, waiting for Mainwaring to give a presentation. The platoon is disgruntled at being shut in on a fine summers evening, and led by Frazer, they begin a chorus of 'Why are we waiting?' to the tune of 'O Come All Ye Faithful'. Mainwaring enters and tells them to be quiet. He begins to give them a farcical slideshow entitled "Know your enemy". This contains exaggerated drawings of German infantrymen, panzer crew and parachutists. The show is narrated languidly by Wilson, who insists on wearing a monocle. Mainwaring interjects with such classic comments as;

"Note the eyes—close together, mean, shifty—that's typically Nazi."
"Look at the thick red bull neck, watch out for that."
"He has no lobes on his ears, a well known criminal trait."

All through this Jones is attempting to man the projector, much hampered by the Verger, who is there to prevent any "damage to the Vicar's apparatus". Godfrey is asleep whilst Walker and Pike interject with silly questions. To make matters worse Hodges then arrives, and accuses them of looking at dirty pictures, as Jones messes up and shows a picture of a topless Zulu native from the Vicar's slide collection, "Light into Darkest Africa"—much to Hodges' delight and Mainwaring's discomfort.

Afterwards in the office Mainwaring threatens to stop Wilson wearing the monocle, but Wilson responds by threatening to tell everyone that Mainwaring wears arch supports for his feet. Frazer enters, and not only tells Mainwaring the lecture is a waste of time, but consults his notes and reminds Mainwaring of other similar lectures, such as "Why the Germans don't play cricket" and "How to send Hitler a poisoned carpet" (because he chews the rug).

Back on parade, Mainwaring challenges Frazer to take command of the platoon for a week, and to Mainwaring's surprise Frazer agrees.

Once Frazer is in charge, he swiftly sacks Sergeant Wilson for "discrepancies in the platoon stores", then is so rude to Jones that the angry Lance-Corporal resigns. He then appears sympathetic to Godfrey, but finishes their chat by saying that if Godfrey comes on parade, there is no special treatment—Godfrey must do just the same as the rest of them. Godfrey leaves in confusion.

Mainwaring meanwhile is banished to the broom cupboard, where he is joined by a furious Wilson and a distraught Jones. They are disturbed by the (new) Corporal Pike, and (new) Sergeant Walker, who tells Privates Wilson and Jones to come on parade.

In Mainwaring's office, Frazer is visited by a senior Scottish officer, Major-General Menzies, who introduces himself but clearly thinks he is talking to Mainwaring. Pleased at finding a fellow Scot in command, he invites Frazer to play the bagpipes to pipe in the haggis at a regimental dinner at H.Q, to which Frazer agrees gleefully.

Discussing this with the Colonel in the mess, Menzies tells the Colonel to organise the dinner, and the Colonel (who unlike Menzies, knows Mainwaring) expresses great surprise that Mainwaring is Scottish and can play the pipes.

Back in the church hall, Frazer's tenure has ended, and Mainwaring is quick to establish control and forget about the whole incident. Frazer attempts to tell him about the commitment to pipe the haggis at the dinner, but Mainwaring does not give him a chance.

The next scene is Mainwaring and his platoon waiting to enter the regimental dinner. A sergeant appears, and takes Mainwaring through the procedure. Finally, to Mainwaring's surprise, he presents Mainwaring with the bagpipes. Expecting Mainwaring to be nonplussed, Frazer issues an ultimatum.

"It was me he asked to play the pipes because he was impressed with my handling of the platoon. I'll play the pipes for you if you let me go into the dinner at the head of MY platoon".

Mainwaring refuses, thus provoking Wilson to say "are you absolutely sure you're doing the right thing?". Mainwaring shoulders the pipes competently, and they form up, ready to lead the haggis in. Frazer is predicting doom, but Mainwaring turns to Wilson and says,

"I spent my honeymoon in a remote village in Scotland called InverGeechie (sic). It was a wild and lonely place. The nights were long ... and there was nothing else to do."

To everyone's amazement he starts the pipes up and, playing magnificently, marches in leading the haggis party. Frazer is left dumbfounded outside, until he shouts "I never doubted you for minute, sir, not even a moment. God forgive me" and rushes in after the rest.

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